(Resigning speech at Krusty Burger) "I told you, we don't have soft
boiled eggs! If you ask... you're right, we should have 'em. I shouldn't
be listening to complaints, I should be making them with you guys. The good
Lord lets us grow old for a reason: to gain the wisdom and to find fault
with everything He's made. Mr. Peterson, you can take this job and fill
it! And one more thing... I never once washed my hands. That's your policy,
not mine!" (Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy #1F10)
 Observing all the old
people partying at the Springfield Retirement Castle's Christmas party:
"Lisa, you promised they'd be miserable. What the hell's going on??
"Ooo, the pharmaceuditian
man come by. And he shot us full of Christmas cheer! Heh heh heh ha ha ha."
(Simpsons Christmas Special 1997)
 "Welcome neighbors.
Since the police can't seem to get off their duff-a-rooni's to do something
about this burglarino, I think it's time we start our own neighborhood watch...
a-rooni!" (Homer the Vigilante #1F09)
 "All right! It's
time for ABC's TGIF lineup! 
Lis, when you get a little older, you'll learn that Friday if just another
night between NBC's must-see-Thursday and CBS' Saturday night crap-a-rama."
(The Springfield Files #3G01)
 "Now kids, we
all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again
the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affadavit that
Poochie will never, ever, ever, return." (The Itchy & Scratchy
& Poochie Show #4F12)
"Oh, Lisa, you and
your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back
to that... building... thingie... where our beds and TV... is."
 "Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls. Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous
nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with
the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the
Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of
books in your local library, many of them with cool, gory pictures."
(Bart the General #7G05)
 to :
"Now there are many options available for dangerously underweight individuals
like yourself. I recommend a slow steady gorging process combined with assal
horizontology." (King Sized Homer #3F05)
"You know, when
I was your age, I had to walk twenty miles just to get to school. And back
then, we didn't have pacifiers. We had to suck on pieces of wood. And in
my day, we didn't have TV sets. We used to sit on our grandpa's lap all
evening and listen politely to his entertaining stories."
 "Well it doesn't
matter how you feel inside, you know? It's what shows up on the surface
that counts. That's what my mother taught me. Take all your bad feelings
and push them down, all the way down, past your knees until you're almost
walking on them. And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties,
and boys will like you, and happiness will follow." (Moaning Lisa #7G06)
About New York: "Once
the sun goes down, all the weirdoes turn crazy!" (Homer vs. New York)
 to
"Your ass is mine. Yes, that's it, I think words I would never say."
(Bart's Nightmare #8F02)
"What if you're a
really good person, but you get into a really, really bad fight and your
leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you
in heaven?"
 "Silly customer,
you cannot hurt a twinkie." (After customer stomps on a twinkie in
a mad rage over high prices.) (Homer and Apu #1F10)
 looking at
on video monitor: "Look at that pig, stuffing his face with with donuts
on my time. That's right, keep eating. Little do you know you're drawing
closer ever closer to the poison donut. There is a poison one, isn't there,
Smithers?"
"What's Santa's
Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but
he can't quite make it." (Bart's Dog Gets an F #7F14)
"Oh, it's not
a swindle. What you do is, see.. You give 'em ALL your credit card numbers,
and if one of them is LUCKY they'll send you a PRIZE. "
to 
at work: "I came to see you three times today. Twice you were sleeping,
and once you were kicking that ball of electrical tape around!"
" I saw this in
a movie about a bus that had to *speed* around a city, keeping it's *speed*
over fifty, and if it's *speed* dropped, it would explode! I think it was
called... 'The Bus that Couldn't Slow Down'." (The Springfield Files
#3G01) |
