"Oh, I feel like a kid in some kind of store." Homer at the candy convention. (Homer Badman #2F0

"Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a 5% paycut." (The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular #3F31)

to "You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here! You're family is better than my family, your beer comes farther away than my beer, you and your son like each other, your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!!" (Dead Putting Society #7F08)

singing about a can opener that won't work while trying to open a can of cranberry sauce: "Mom, it's broken. Mom, it's broken. Mom, it's broken." (Bart vs. Thanksgiving #7F07)

Saying grace before having Thanksgiving dinner: "And... Lord, we're especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is, except for solar, which is just a pipe dream. Anyway, I'd like to thank you for the occasional moments of peace and love our family's experienced... well, not today. You saw what happened. Oh, Lord, be honest. Are we the most pathetic family in the universe, or what?" (Bart vs. Thanksgiving #7F07)

Standing outside of 'Stoner's Pot Palace', a kitchen store: "Man, that is flagrant false advertising!"

(After seeing running around the house naked): "There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality." (Clown Without Pity #9F04)

"I question the educational value of this assembly." "Hey, it'll be one of their few pleasant memories when they're pumping gas for a living. (Bart the Lover #8F16)

"I want to tell you about the most wonderful place in the world: Doggie Heaven. In Doggie Heaven, there are mountains of bones, and you can't turn around without sniffing another dog's butt!" (Dog of Death #8F17)

"I'm looking for an attack dog. One who likes the sweet gamey tang of human flesh. (Looking at

) Mmmm, why here's the fellow! Wiry, fast, firm, proud buttocks. Reminds me of me." (Dog of Death #8F17)


"My name is Patty. I'll be testing you. When you do good, I use the green pen. When you do bad, I use the red pen. Any questions?"

Yeah, one. Have you always been a chick? I mean, y'know don't wanna offend you, but you were born a man, weren't you? You can tell me, I'm open-minded."

Drops the green pen. "I won't be needing this!" (The Otto Show ##8F21)


to "Hey, if you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, them I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things!" (Mr. Plow #9F07)

"This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort; heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless." (Homer's Triple Bypass #9F09)

"Dear God, thank you for Ziggy comics, little baby ducks, and 'Sweatin' to the Oldies', volumes one, two, and four." (Homer's Triple Bypass #9F09)

on stolen cable: "Nothing a month? I think we can swing that." (Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment)

to "Now you listen to me! I don't like you! I never liked you, and the only reason I gave you this stupid valentine is because nobody else would!" (I Love Lisa #9F13)

Rolling a wheelbarrow filled with 100 burritos out of a taco fast-food place: "This should provide adequate sustenance for the Dr. Who Marathon."

"I'm an old man. I hate everything but 'Matlock'. Oooh! It's on now!" (Whacking Day #9F18)


to "Can you get me some of those Flintstones' chewable morphine?" (Marge in Chains #9F20)

After getting an earring: "My neck hurts and my ear hurts. Now I have two owies." (Bart's playmate #5F13)