"Don't steal any beer while I'm gone Barn." "What kind of pathetic drunk do you think I am? Oh, someone's spilled some beer in this ashtray (drinks it)"

"Uh, ma'am, what if you're a really good person, but you're in a really, really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene, and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?"

"I want to be loved." "I see...well...I'll need some beer..."

"Now that I've gotten the word that a child is using his imagination, and I've got to put a stop to it. "No! No! It's true! There's amonster on the bus! Skinner: The only monster on this bus is a lack of proper respect for the rules."

The reverend's eulogy at Aunt Gladys' funeral: "He was a good man. He was a kind man. He gave to his community, and asked little in return." (an aide whispers something in his ear) "It's a woman? Dear Lord! He he... well, I guess most of what I said can be salvaged..."

"Why did they make that one Muppet out of leather?" "That's not a leather Muppet, that's Troy McClure."

"When I was a young buck we were spanked by presidents till the cows came home. Why, I was spanked by Grover Cleveland on 2 non-consectutive occations!"

to and "Stop right there! I have the only working fazer ever built. It was fired only once to keep William Shatner from making another album." (Treehouse of Horror X)

"You know, Grampa kinda smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet."

"Wait a minute. Bart's teacher is named 'Krabappel'? Oh, I've been calling her 'Crandall.' Why didn't anyone tell me? Ohhh, I've been making an idiot out of myself!"

(About Jessica Lovejoy) "She's like a milk dud, Lis. Sweet on the outside, poison on the inside. "

(Views on Y2K) "Man alive! What a stinko thousand years! Blimp wrecks, teenagers, then again, we had two TV shows with Andy Griffith."

picks up and, sniffing, says: "Un oh, someone smells stinky......Woh, it's me!"

(Praying): "Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy bidding will be done. (Munch, munch, munch)"

Driving: "Heyyy, we just got away with murder and it was too easy! Y'know, I never did like that wiener Milhouse..." (Tries to aim for and run over Milhouse, who is in the street.) (Treehouse of Horror X)

to "Hey, it's Saturday! Your powers are useless against me!"

to "Now, about last night... you might have noticed daddy acting a little strange, and you probably don't understand why." Bart: "I understand why. You were wasted."

Delivers eulogy about "When I think about Ned I can't help but think about the look on his face when Marge drove over <Marge signals to homer to shut up>... oh, wait. What I'd like to say is that we're still looking for the real killers. In conclusion, a man cannot be forced to testify against his own wife." (Winks repeatedly at Marge.)

to "What a day, eh Milhouse? The sun is out, bird are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them.... as is my understanding..."

"Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much. But you're living in a world of make-believe. With flowers and bells and leprechauns, and magic frogs with funny little hats..."

"No offense, Homer, but your half-assed underparenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting."

to just as she chose Marge to blast off in a space shuttle to escape the earth's demise: "Bye Lisa. Remember me as I am... filled with murderous rage!" <clenches fists and grits teeth.> (Treehouse of Horror X)

"Lucite...hardening. Must end life in classic Lorne Greene pose from Battlestar Galactica! (Kneels on one knee and points to the sky) Best...death....ever!" *Treehouse of Horror X)