To Marge, after having hallucinations after eating wicked Guatemalan chili peppers: "Oh, honey, I didn’t get drunk, I just went to a strange fantasy world."( The Mysterious Voyage Of Homer #3F24)

The message Homer records for the AT-5000 autodialer: "Greetings friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you’ve got the power inside you right now. So use it. And send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don’t delay! Eternal happiness is just a dollar away." (4F01 Lisa’s Date With Destiny)

Advice to Lisa about how to handle anger: Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time. Like that day I hit that referee with a whiskey bottle. ‘Member that, honey? " (9F18 Whacking Day)

Homer's ideal car: "You know that little ball you out on the aerial so you can find your car in a parking lot? That should be on every car... And some things are so snazzy they never go out of style! Like tail fins! And bubble domes! And shag carpeting! I want a horn here, here, and here. You can never find a horn when you're mad. And they should all play 'La Cucaracha'." (Brother, Where Art Thou? #7F16)

About Stampy, Bart's elephant: "Oh, everything's cruel according to you. Keeping him chained up in the backyard is cruel. Pulling on his tail is cruel. Yelling in his ears is cruel. So excuse me if I'm cruel!" (Bart gets an Elephant #1F15)

Calling in sick to work: "You heard me. I won't be in for the rest of the week. (listens) I told you, my baby beat me up. (listens) Oh, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up." (Itchy & Scratchy & Marge #790F)

"Marge I'm going to Moe's. Send the kids to the neighbors. I'm coming back loaded!" (Duffless #9F14)

"I'm a white male, aged 18 to 49. Everybody listens to me! No matter how dumb mu suggestions are!" (Then reaches for a can labled "Nuts and Gum, Together at Last" - his latest invention.) (Lisa VS. Malibu Stacy #1F12)

To church congregation: "Stop it! How dare you talk about Ned Flanders like that! He's a wonderful, kind, caring man. Maybe even moreso than me. There have been times I have lost patience with him, even lashed out at him. But this man has turned every cheek on his body. If everyone here were like Ned Flanders, there'd be no need for heaven; we'd already be there." (Homer Loves Flanders #1F14)

About his father: "If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister! And our kids, they'll be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites, and five fingers on each hand!" (Lady Bouvier's Lover #1F21)

"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way!" (The PTA Disbands #2F19)

About being an astronaut: "The only danger is if they send us to that terrible planet of the apes. Wait a minute... Statue of Liberty... that was OUR planet! (Starts yelling and drops to knees.) You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you... damn you all to hell!" (Starts sobbing uncontrollably.) (Deep Space Homer #1F13)

About almost missing the once in a lifetime opportunity to go into space: "You're right, Marge. Just like the time I could have met Mr. T at the mall. I kept saying, 'I'll go a little later, I'll go a little later...' and when I asked the mall guy if he'll ever come back again, he said he didn't know. Well, I'm never going to let something like that happen again! I'm going into space right now!" (Deep Space Homer # 1F13)

Homer's picture and closing statement for his college application essay:
"... It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever. "

College's response while viewing photo:
"He looks crazy! Reading his essay would waste valuable seconds!" (Balls up Homer's application.)